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The Table

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Waiting in the cold and damp for 45 minutes staring at eight free tables the entire time I had convinced myself was all going to be worth it if the food lived up to the hype. Sadly, it didn’t. Not even close.

I had the Full Borough English with black pudding, eggs over easy, bacon extra crispy, and a Fellini Bellini. Let’s start with the good. The Bellini was great, the fizz to purée ratio was spot on and I loved the strawberry flavour. The sausage was well seasoned, great texture, the tomato was juicy and sweet, and the sourdough was tasty.

Now let’s talk about the, um, beans. One clue is that if you’re looking at baked beans and they’re bright white, you know your tomato sauce is not rich or plentiful enough to cover them. They were also tiny, like the Tesco Value ones, and mixed with an anemic pulled pork. Pork and beans are usually as perfect together as karaoke, soju and 80s rock ballads, but The Table fumbled both dishes and then hoping no one would notice, shoved them together. Did anyone in the kitchen even taste what they made? Poorly seasoned, poorly executed.

I could tell you the black pudding was cereal heavy and therefore very dry, or the eggs tiny and fried so impatiently the white was crispy and the yolk more ‘kinda stressed out’ than ‘easy like Sunday morning’. But you’re skim reading at this point…

As a Brit living in NYC, I have become used to a level of service that still, you know, tries. Despite a coven of waitresses standing around gossiping and side-eyeing patrons, there was no silverware on the table and the turnover of tables seemed glacial. Speaking of which, we were seated by the door despite open tables elsewhere (and knowing we were chilled to the core because of the long wait) which is just careless at best, or kinda mean.

When your waitress asks ‘How was everything?’ you say ‘Sadly average’ and she ignores you, you know that they have enough people queuing not to care that they could have done so, so much better.

Except if this level of cost-cutting on the food and overstaffing on bored, passive aggressive servers cont

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